I was browsing through my pictures on facebook (which was really vain, I know), got a little carried away, and browsed my way through to the very first pictures of me ever posted on said social networking site. I became a little emotional seeing pictures of people who’m I considered really close to me but also hurt me a lot once in the past. But unlike before, seeing their faces didn’t trigger anger anymore. I still feel hurt and sad about what they did, but I don’t think I still resent them like before.
I think I have said it before that remembering them and what they did don’t make me hate them all over again anymore, but it sure still hurts. And I have to admit, it still hurts now, but not as much as before, and also, for different reasons.
I looked it up on the internet just to confirm that what I think happened to me is really what it is. This is what I found from Wikipedia:
“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well. Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).“
Back then, I acknowledged that I wasn’t angry anymore, but it really hurts a lot. No matter how hard I try, I couldn’t understand them. I thought that understanding them will help me forgive them faster. I tried over and over to put myself on their shoes to see what might have led them to their actions. I tried to understand how they must have felt. To my dismay, the process just made me hurt more. I knew that forgiving them will really take time.
I know I’m far from perfect and I have done a lot that needs forgiving. I find it easier to ask for forgiveness than to give it, which I think was also the reason why it took me a while to forgive. See, not all of these people that I think have wronged me asked for it, and I didn’t really feel sincerity from those who did. I asked myself, “How can I forgive them when they don’t even ask for it? How can these people not care how they made others feel?”
I think this is the first time that I ever considered that I have forgiven them already. It’s really wonderful to realize that I’ve done it. Though I knew I could, somehow, someday, I thought I would take me longer. I’m happy that it’s done. Now I can truly say that forgiving is good. not only for those who have wronged you, but even more so, for you. It feels good, refreshing and liberating, having let go of the all bad feelings you had for others.