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Self Doubt: The Battle

I thought long and hard about what I’m doing. Did I choose the wrong field? If I did, what should I have chosen instead? Is it better if I leave now to chase another dream? Why am I here again? Why am I going to college anyway? What am I here for? Am I happy? Am I not? Will I be happier somewhere else? Will I be happier doing something else?

All these questions and more, I asked myself. Some, I was able to answer. But many of them are still unanswered until now. I wasn’t really unhappy back then, but not necessarily happy as well. I didn’t hate it though. I still had fun, I was able to do the things I liked. I joined some organizations and choirs and became an active member of each of them. I was too relaxed most of the time that I needed to cram everything on their deadline and days before an exam. Back then, I would only start to care more and exert more effort on my subjects when I notice I’m on a verge of failing a subject.

College was hard, really hard. Especially hard, I guess, to lazy people like me. Before I entered college, I thought, “I would like to graduate a laude.” I found my first math subject hard, and it was a prerequisite to my first majors. I doubted myself and changed my goal to graduating on time. I failed a subject on my second semester. It made graduating on time impossible, well, almost. But I didn’t try to change my fate and just went along with it. Instead, I changed my goal to just graduating in my course, and in my university. I failed another subject. I stuck to my goal. Failed yet another subject. Stuck to my goal. Repeat n times. It eventually degraded my optimism and self-esteem. But I thought, yes, engineering is hard, but I’m sure, other courses are hard in their own ways as well. I just had to choose the kind of torture I’m willing to take. So instead of trying another kind, I stayed. I thought it was senseless to avoid my current hardships when I know I would certainly face new ones should I choose to go. I said I will never go unless the college dismisses me, but I hoped I would go because I’m graduating. I tried harder. I prayed hard, too. I still stuck to my goal. I graduated. It took me longer than how long it should really be, but still, I made it.

Do I think I made the right decision when I decided to stay?

Yes.

Am a happy?

Yes.

Do I know where I want to go or what I want to do?

No.

Do I not have another dream to chase?

I have a lot of dreams to chase.

Do I think I would have been happier somewhere else doing something else?

I don’t know, but I’m still happy with my decision.

Why?

Because I learned a lot from those experiences. Every hardship gave me an opportunity to grow. Every failure gave me chance to reflect and reevaluate my choices which strengthened my decision. And every time, despite those hardships and failures, I chose to stay. Nobody forced me. My parent surely would support me whatever field I chose. And I chose this one over and over again.

“Why stay here being mediocre when you could be great at something else?”

Maybe I drew the line out of context. Maybe my professor was talking about those who really really wanted to do something else but can’t? They wish to do something else too much they resent what their doing which causes them to perform badly. It wasn’t like that in my case. I didn’t resent my course, and I’m not performing well enough not because I hate it and would rather do something else. I’m not performing well enough because I started too relaxed and had no focus. Everything built up, it became harder and harder to cope up. Also, I’ve always wanted to do many things, and want to do more still. I like art. I like music. I like science. I like math. I like good stories. I like many things, and I always feel happy trying to do each of them. That’s how I relax, how I relieve stress and how I express myself. Should I stop trying to do something because I’m not specifically great or the best at it? Should I force myself to just choose one of these where I can and should be great at?

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