Relationships, Romantic

On Clinginess

I’m one clingy person. If I love you, I’d spend time with you. I may not always be available, but I will find time. For me, my time is the most precious gift I can give the people I love. That’s why I feel most loved by people who choose to spend their time with me. So if I love you and I know you love me, I will expect you to give your time to me. No, expect is an understatement… I will demand it! I don’t need much, I know everyone is busy. At least a little is enough, from time to time. But if my expectation is not met, I’d get really frustrated and somehow feel unloved. Not healthy, I know. Too much of anything is bad. But I thought, I was not demanding much, I thought my expectations are reasonable.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I both have work on weekdays, so we rarely see each other on weekdays. So, to make up for that, we spend our weekends together. We’re like that for more than a year now, I don’t know how to spend my weekend (or Saturdays, at least) on my own anymore. Unfortunately for me, he goes to company outings every six months.

Imagine how frustrated I always become whenever that happens. Sometimes, I want to stop him from going. But I never did, because I know that’s selfish. My parents have a great social life and they usually go out with their friends on weekends. And sometimes, it’s just not that easy to go out with (my) friends because they also have things going on with their lives. There are even instances that we plan out a simple dinner so we can catch up on each other, only to find out eventually that most of us can’t make it because of school stuff or work. So, I’d spend those weekends at home, switching back and forth between doing random stuff, and hating on my boyfriend’s company for taking him away from me on a weekend.

This weekend was one of those weekends. Oddly enough though, I didn’t feel frustrated anymore. I was even excited, for myself. I found it weird that I felt that way, but it was refreshing. And I wondered, what was different? I wasn’t happy because I was away from my boyfriend on our supposed day together. But I was happy I’d get to spend some time for myself, with myself.

I enrolled for a couple of class at Coursera. I was really inspired to take more classes after I took Learning How to Learn class. This past week, I spent some of my break times watching videos and answering quizzes. I really enjoyed learning new things, and I want to learn more. So, when my boyfriend told me they are having another outing, I was sad for a while but got over it really soon and got excited instead.

I still think I’m clingy, but I think I have reduced my level of clinginess to somewhat healthy level now. I don’t always plan, so when I do, I wan’t those plans to happen. And when they don’t I get really frustrated and sad. I’ve been so busy entertaining those negative feelings I waste my precious time being unhappy, when I can use the time to do things that make me happy instead.

This makes me wonder. Maybe I felt that a lot was going on in other people’s lives, and nothing really as exciting was going on with mine. I partitioned my time so I can give enough for my loved ones, I didn’t notice I don’t spend some of it on myself anymore.

I used to enjoy my alone time, doing random things to express myself. I used to draw, paint, write, sing, dance, play the guitar, learn a piano piece. It used to be okay for me to stroll around a mall, eat at a fast food chain or window shop (for books, toys, art materials or pets) alone. I didn’t notice I never do these anymore, well, except for singing, I can always sing whenever, where ever, while doing something else.

Anyway, these activities are where I get my own supply of approval, validation, sense of accomplishment, and a lot of other things that make me feel good about myself. So when I thought I don’t have time for these anymore, I kind of relied on other people to provide them for me. Maybe that’s why I became clingier than I ever was, and if this continues, it might become unhealthy for me and for the people I have relationship with anymore.

How about you? Are you clingy? Do you know someone who’s clingy? How much clinginess is just right for you to make you feel loved? How much of it is too much?